Friday, August 03, 2007

Eating Is Good (And That's Bad)

I think of eating multiple times a day. Or, sometimes I just keep eating after I've finished the actual meal--that's eating for "taste" rather than hunger. I guess that's how I got fat back when I was a kid and a young man. I don't feel the same sense of patience with it any more, though. I don't mind being a little fat again, but I want it to stop, maybe reverse by 5 or more pounds. I like all my new clothes. All the ones for the fat me are too old and worn. I should have given them away, though maybe I was playing it safe to put them away like winter clothes. It was good to regain my 15 or 20 lbs. so that I'd know I wasn't dying. But now I need to draw a line; I don't want the whole 100 lbs. to come back! There's no one but me who can do that bit of controlling me.

I lost about 3 pounds in the last few days, though my weight fluctuates by more than that sometimes. I need to find a line to center on that I like and fluctuate around THAT! But you must know what the real culprit is: when I was sick all this past two years, my appetite was nil because my taste buds had died. I didn't like anything much and many old favorites not as much. Now a brisket sandwich seems like heaven! I like mayonnaise again! Normality seems SO WEIRD at this point, and so does this having to worry about weight gain! To be honest, I don't much recall any point in life when I did worry about it. Maybe as a teenager. Now I've spent 40 years just eating what I wanted. That was bad. But this is fucking HARD!

Have I already written a post about this? If so, I'm sorry. I'm probably dazed from depriving myself of hamburgers and stuff!

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Abandon hope, all ye who enter here! (At least put on your socks and pants.)