It's Not Easy Being Paranoid

A few weeks ago I laughingly admitted I’d been worrying myself about the advertisements up above, how they were obviously spying on me because they were advertising things related to the topics of my blogs. An analytical computer of some kind was at work, I determined, and probably was not related in any manner to the CIA or PTA. Nonetheless all this sort of experience gets into your system and fouls up your reasoning. If a pin drops when you don’t expect it, you jerk your head around and give the world an evil look.

For a while recently, there were no ads in my blog at all and I began to wonder about that. But of course the big empty frame was still up there, reminding me that this wasn’t a normal thing. I didn’t know whether to be glad or to worry. It wasn’t really Gone. I’m the sort who worries that things are probably Wrong if they begin to stray very far from the norm. I don’t like the norm to change unless I’ve been notified. I guess that constitutes being a control freak.

I don’t like to have ads, of course, yet I had begun to expect them to be there. When they disappear, I can’t just assume that it’s a software failure out there in Blogspot Cyberspace. It’s in my nature to wonder if something’s going on. Is there some conscious entity out there working against me? There might be a plan afoot to Bump Me Off! Off of Blogger, I mean. It’s no problem for me to start thinking, Yeah, first they turn off my ads, then when I’m not looking, Pow! they delete my blog. Mpfft, mpfft! I’ve been silenced! It’s a conspiracy!

But, then, nothing else ever happened. After a while, the ads reappeared. I guess they’re up there now. If they aren’t, I hope I’ve learned not to panic (too much). After a while, I noticed that this sometimes happens to other blogs that I read. It’s weird, but it’s something Normal, this Abnormality.

So it appears now. But if I see just one more quirk or deviation, I’ll be right back to Paranoia. I’ll be anxiously wondering, not if Big Brother is going to take my T-Bird away and send me to Sing Sing prison, but if Blogger is going to rescind my publishing rights and stifle me! I don’t want to be cut off from my affectionate fans (all 6 or 7 of them). I’d probably never manage to round them up again.

I don’t know about you, but I find that it takes real talent, dedication, and staying power to stay this paranoid. Not everyone appreciates this fact. Sometimes, I’m not sure if I do, either.

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LOVING KINDNESS AT WORLD'S END

Assailed by east, assailed by west,
the world can be no better than it can.
Take what is worst, take what is best,
the heart that seeks the flame is seared by fire.

Dear Susannah, early on your wake and
dread the image glass gives back -
but that is nothing, nothing; we all are
more than image, we are what gives back.

Sad Susannah, why do you frown? Always there
is more than what you know. You look and
see your hips grown much too round; I look
and see you standing there; just you, no more.

Moving south or moving north, this
world can be no better than it can.
Turned around or back again, man
lives in Christ as Christ in man.

Turn to take the wound or turn and try to mend,
what heaven sends against us leaves nothing to defend.
Take what is worst, take what is best,
the heart that quells the flame is saved by fire.

Christ in ashes, Christ in fall - you are still
standing, dear, though pressed against the wall.
Christ in flashes, Christ in man,
the world we bear in pain can be no better than it can.

rcs.

4th draft: 04/18/04

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Feebly, Feebly, still Coming Attraction (slower and sloower all the time!): WHY IT’S OKAY FOR BAD DRIVERS TO KILL US ALL

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: “Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience.” -- James Boswell (Life of Samuel Johnson, 1791)

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